These last few days have been me indulging and wallowing in sadness, wandering through dark with nowhere to go. Feeling… Completely empty with nothing to do, feeling the days start and finish with absolutely nothing interesting happening. It’s left me with nothing so far.

I feel like I can’t get out of this spot, my attempts have been futile and there’s nothing else I can do. I try listening to music but that doesn’t work, no amount of my favorite bands or songs don’t cheer me up. Not the somewhat melancholic feeling I associate with AM, not the happiness I get by listening to Acid Rap. None of what I’ve listened to has given me what I want to feel.

I’ve spent the last few days wandering and wallowing, listening to nothing but what feels like white noise now. Time blurs so quickly it seems. If you asked me what I listened to yesterday or what I did I could not tell you even if I tried crying to try and spark some bad memory from the days.

But unfortunately I can’t cry randomly, I have wanted to cry though, I’ve been riled up. I’ve been looking for something to give me closure…

Yesterday, I was on discord reading, I couldn’t get my head around the happenings of the day, I was rereading some DMs that made me feel happy. In one of them I saw a new acquaintance talking to me, telling me about an album of music he liked enough to make his profile picture.

At that time I had no idea what I wanted to listen to, the album was named, Shukusai by Ayano Kaneko.

I don’t really ever listen to Japanese music, but I decided to give it a shot, I was going through a phase and I would’ve used anything if it could help me. The album cover was appealing, being just an eye, with makeup on, I thought it was beautiful. I searched for the entire album on YouTube, but no I had no luck in finding it. There was only one track on YouTube, the opening track.

I was in a depressed stupor clinging to nothing, I listened to the song. It was… It was.. It made me want to cry from the opening alone. I felt like it gave me what I was looking for. I listened over and over, the song toyed with me. I was at its mercy, my feelings weren’t dictated by the music I played and heard until I gave this a listen.

I listened to the singular song, for maybe an hour? It was a long period of time, I can clearly remember the cries of Ayano Kaneko’s voice, the guitar playing so vividly, and the video of her eye… Doing nothing but blink and blink, stare into the distance, it ended with a tear going down her face. It was soothing yet frustrating, I didn’t know why but I got so riled up by it. I was so affected by this song I could barely understand.

I was angrier than ever, calmer than ever, it was as if my emotions rushed by into my body as I listened to the music, a strange yet wondrous feeling. It made me rash, it made me do things I might regret later down the road. But I did things that I can’t take back, looking for more emotion.

None came and I suffered the consequences of my actions, drunk on a melancholic joy that sprouted from nowhere. Nurtured only by the music that I listened to, no one mattered to me, I just wanted to feel something better than what I felt.

I laid tired after it all, listening to the depressing music, the happy music, the same song for so long. Until I decided to message my friend, telling him thank you for the recommendation, it made me feel better. But one song wasn’t enough for me, I couldn’t find the rest of the album.

The acquaintance became a friend when he indulged my stupidity, he told me he listened to it on Spotify, fucking Spotify. I feel completely retarded for not checking Spotify. But I had nothing else to do now. I knew what I was going to do next.

I went to Spotify in the dead of the night and listened to it. It relaxed me so much, it made me feel so much, it lead me through a rollercoaster of emotions… I felt happy.

I wanted more closure then, I messaged the people I betrayed and I asked them why? But they didn’t do anything, I was the one who did everything. So I realize I should’ve asked myself why, they couldn’t answer me. They couldn’t indulge me and in the dozens of messages I sent among multiple people. I found no closure from them or in the music, just parts of it from everything.

And this morning I woke up with 3 hours of sleep in the dead of the morning. I wanted to cry but I had plans for the day, I listened to the album again. It didn’t hold the answers, I just felt so connected to the message, the tone of the music projected straight into my soul.

I thought about it all as I showered, and now I’m writing this, I’m about to go out now. I’m drinking coffee, thinking about this, each and every word I should say. I want to ramble. I want to keep telling this story, but it should come to an end. I’m a busy man, always have been, and hopefully I always will be.

After I showered I found closure, what helped me find it was music and rage. I found closure when everything was over. Or I feel closure right now. Maybe my actions will pull me back to my sad emotional state comprised of emptiness and the feelings of others. I don’t know.

If you read this and wanted to find closure in whatever you’re dealing with, I don’t know how to give it to you. What I found the answer in won’t be the answer for you. Maybe it is, I don’t know. But I think that you will find it eventually if you keep on going. I think I did.

Thank you for reading all of that. If you’re mad now, I’m sorry I brought you through all that for nothing. If this helped you feel a modicum of emotions like how that beautiful music brought me emotions, thank you too. If you felt nothing at all, that’s fine too, I’m just glad to have written this. I’m glad you’re here too…. Thank you very much.